Just another week?

Gareth Malson

Sunday

Receive an email from a friend. He writes: “A chap at the Starbucks near my work has been confirmed with swine flu. I had a ham sandwich from there. It’s all over. I can feel the grim reaper tapping me on the shoulder.” Am amused, but dismiss the email as idle banter, or another overreaction from the proletariat.

Monday

Arrive at work after a weekend away. Relatively calm, despite hearing rumours about one of my co-workers being off sick with swine flu. During lunchbreak, my colleague Harriet diverts into Boots to buy a thermometer. I am somewhat surprised. She has never needed one before. Why now? Is she unwell? “No,” she tells me, “I just thought it would be useful to have one.” Strangely, all cheap thermometers have disappeared from the shelves. Are they sold out, or is the store manager cashing in on some panic buying? I consider purchasing a packet of tissues. Don’t have enough loose change for menthol scented ones. Decide not to bother.

Tuesday

Overhear Cesca, another colleague, checking whether the local pharmacy has thermometers in stock. Am I missing a trick? “I’ve always thought it’s something I might need in the future,” she says. Why have I never thought that? Am I taking this epidemic too lightly? Consider purchasing hand sanitiser. Decide against it.

Wednesday

Receive press release stating that local plumbers have purchased 200 “anti-swine flu kits” to keep their business going. Kits contain hand sanitiser, tissues, surgical mask, information leaflets… SURGICAL MASKS??? Definitely don’t have one of those. Am I putting myself at risk by not having one? Consider putting in order for an anti-swine flu kit of my own. Reluctantly, decide not to.

Thursday

Read an article on t’internet listing which PCTs in England have reported the most confirmed cases of swine flu. Top 10 includes Lambeth, Southwark, City & Hackney, Tower Hamlets, Lewisham, Newham, Islington and Camden. Essentially, everywhere immediately north and east of Lambeth High Street. Note to self: cancel any trip in a north or easterly direction and pray that a north-easterly gale cometh not.

Friday

My flatmate stays at home with suspected swine flu. Disaster! I borrowed some bacon from her last night. It’s all over now. My refused purchases during the week come back and bite me on the derrière. I am suddenly overcome with a cold, shivery feeling. Could it be someone tapping me on the shoulder…?